and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
