So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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