I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
