laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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