My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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