Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
