I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
