I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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