im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
