My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
