If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
