ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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