he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
