4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
