I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
