You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
