There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
