I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
