she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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