Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
