I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
