My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
