How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
