sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
