we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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