The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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