He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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