I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
