Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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