I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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