She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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