I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
