The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
