I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
