we have pet lesbian snakes
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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