Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
