Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Girls should come with a carfax report
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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