i permit you to call me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
