my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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