My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
