i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
