made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
