Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
