I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
