Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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