So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
