I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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