I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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