lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
