Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
