Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
