I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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